dankpelt said what

Reading this means you're at least smart enough to go down to Kentucky, show them fire, and be their god.

7.05.2004

Happy Birthday, America!



You always hear about it, but thankfully it's never happened to me... the inevitable 4th of July mishap. Worst I've endured is some minor burns, maybe a bit of lightheadedness from crouching down on the sidewalk to watch a SNAKE - and taking a faceful of that seemingly-neverending snake smoke. Truth be told, Michigan is a crap state to be in if you want to play with the dangerous (ie: cool) fireworks. What we are allowed in this state are fireworks that do any or all of the above:

    Sparkle.

    Make a high-pitched shriek that may or may not have just made you shit yourself.

    Crackle.

    Emit showers of sparks.

    Create billows of toxic smoke.

    Did I mention that we have a lot of stuff that makes sparks?

So, that's the Michigan version of July 4th fun. Thankfully, we do have states that border us that sell the "cool stuff," and that's a good thing - you know what they say, "It wouldn't be the 4th of July without grandma losing a toe!"

Some people out there even make their own little fireworks, just from shit they have lying around, like some kind of hillbilly MacGyver. For example, take these bikers in Ohio - they were doing a little bit of the homemade action, and things went wrong. (Imagine that!) On the less funny side of things, two people lost their lives as a result. Click HERE to read the full article. Now, in the interest of finding comedy in the face of tragedy, here's an excerpt of the full article:

James McKinniss, 39, and Jackie Byrd, 64, both of Marion, were killed by flying pieces of metal when a two-foot steel tube being used a cannon exploded Saturday night.

Witnesses told the Marion County Sheriff's Office that the cannon was used to fire pieces of bread. Investigators said the device had been fired about 24 times without incident before the explosion.


I should point out that they were not only lighting off a "firework" that delivered a crowd-pleasing explosion of... bread (Bread. The firework shot bread out. I can't stress enough how funny I find this) but anyway - not only did it shoot out a blast of bread, but they had already blown the bread load 24 times. Apparently a good thing never gets old. Or crazy methed-up bikers don't give a shit about shit, which is a pretty aggressive attitude - I say, "You go, bikers," but I say it in a way that won't get my ass beat by bearded, smelling-like-an-ashtray-you-spilled-beer-and-farted-in, bread-blastin' bikers. In addition to the fact that 2 men died in a bread-bombing incident, one of them had the surname "Byrd," which is practically "BIRD," and birds... well, birds like bread. Is this irony, or coincidence, or me pulling shit out of my ass? I always get the three confused.

1 Comments:

  • At 12:49 PM, Blogger The Man said…

    sketchball76: What's your take on fireworks that blast out bread?
    MattACheck: Not Atkins friendly.
    sketchball76: Not at all

     

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