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Reading this means you're at least smart enough to go down to Kentucky, show them fire, and be their god.

11.18.2004

The Post-Bar Post, Conclusion - Ask The Experts!




Another thing that I came across while on the Great Tussin Hunt was a nice website developed by the Planned Parenthood® Federation of America called teenwire.com. I promptly wiped it off and realized that there was something here for me to do - finally! As I pulled the curtains back to deeper layers of the website, I found the little man in the canoe - a section dubbed, rather appropriately, Ask The Experts. Ask The Experts allows teens to write in with questions that plague and perplex their teen brains, all of which relate to the sweaty horizontal hop and its many twisted, deviant offshoots. I decided that it might be fun to try something new, so I now present a sampling of questions posed to the Experts from Ask the Experts by actual teens... answered by me. Instead of the Experts. Here we go...

-ONE-

Dear Experts,

How come when I start kissing my boyfrind, I notice that his penis starts to get very pointy? Is this normal? My nipples also start to get pointy while sex play, is that normal?

Blugrl2

Dear Blurgrl2,

This is exactly the sort of thing you want to avoid. Pointy penii can put eyes out, hurt household pets, and make baby Jesus cry. The best course of action if this should occur again would be to grab that pointed freakstick firmly and twist hard, like you are opening a jar of pickles. Your boyfriend may object, but it's for his own good. Now, as far as the pointy nipples go while... sex play? Is that an R Kelly song? Also, is everything "pointy" to you? Seriously, grow up and learn a semi-literate word like "erect." You know what? Fuck this shit, I'm gonna go hang out with Blurgrl1. My middle finger is getting very pointy at you.

-TWO-

Dear Experts,

when my boyfriend and i are having sex i like to moan and i like to hear him moan a little to but he barely ever does. How can i get him to and why doesnt he?

ToriKCP

Dear ToriKCP,

This is not good at all - normal men always yowl like stabbed cats while having sex that doesn't crush their will to live. One thing to consider is stopping with the questions already, and sticking your thumb in his ass.

-THREE-

Dear Experts,

is it harmful (permanent and/or temporary) if a guy accidentally inserts the penis into the urethra instead of the vagina? Is it even possible?

justme111

Dear justme111,

Maybe for you, mouse-wang. Or do you know a girl with a really freakishly big pee hole? Either way, one of you has a potential future career on the internet.

-FOUR-

Dear Experts,

When i wake up in the morning i always have an erection... how come?? i dont dream about women or anything...

bobthebldr

Dear bobthebldr,

Well, what DO you dream about? Killing people? Haha, little Ask The Experts joke there. To be honest, this is one of nature's cruel jokes - making men the horniest they may be all day when most women are at their least. Welcome to the rest of your life, bobthebldr! Better take a cold shower today!

-FIVE-

Dear Experts,

Ok, weird problem. When I have a wet dream, I wake up and the cum is thick, even a little chunky. Why is this?

llp05

Dear llp05,

Jesus, get to a clinic. Now.

-SIX-

Dear Experts,

i want to know which do you put the tampon in, the urethra or the vigina????

liljos_bff

Dear liljos_bff,

Ah, you're justme111's girlfriend, I take it. It's called a vagina. And you have a flappy pee hole!!!!

-SEVEN-

Dear Experts,

What's the difference in a girl's body when they have a sexual relationship and when they don't have a sexual relationship?

bootchie

Dear bootchie,

The major thing most girls will find is different about their body while in a sexual relationship is the "penis" that is sometimes "inside them." This is normal. Be warned though, bootchie - if a girl makes a baby get in her stomach, it will eat her Jesus heart right out.



For now, I must stop - but fear not! More questions will be answered soon, I can feel it!

17 Comments:

  • At 9:48 AM, Blogger CopperTopp said…

    that could be the funniest thing I have ever read, I can't believe I was able to make it throught that many words. Thats more than some of those teens could read apparently. So i got that goin for me... which is nice.

     
  • At 11:12 AM, Blogger Tarq said…

    Funny shit Dank, I mean... wow. I had to clean my keyboard from the OJ I spit all over it while reading this.

    Question for Copper Topp, was that a Homestarrunner joke or the base joke from Caddyshack?

     
  • At 11:27 PM, Blogger Sicily Jones said…

    i like your designs for your new web site that i won't go to. i liked my comments on mucilege being posted unbeknownst to me.

     
  • At 11:34 PM, Blogger Sicily Jones said…

    I don't live in the lame part of Michigan, you do, queer boner. AND I never agreed to us being good friends. I did not mean to lead you on. I need space. I am not ready for this kind of a commitment. I think we should start posting other people.

     
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    Scroll down a bit and see the first one of these items listed...

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    funny.

     
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