dankpelt said what

Reading this means you're at least smart enough to go down to Kentucky, show them fire, and be their god.

1.12.2005

Alive In 2005 -OR- Yeah, I'm Still Here. Are You?

So, it's a new year. I have a couple apologies to get out of the way before we can start having fun again, so here goes...

When last we spoke, (or when last you read what I wrote, whatever) I left you all with a promise - a promise that I would post more the following weekend. That was in December. Of last year. Heh, sorry about that. Here's a quotable quote from our friend Jack Handey that may help put things into perspective for you:

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

So, long story short, I'm a bastard. One thing that you should know about this blog by now is that its updates are much like a penis, in that they both come in spurts. Now that THAT's out of the way, moving onward...

I think sometime in between Friday and Sunday the monkey from Outbreak bit me. I've been so goddamned sick that I thought I saw Jesus on Monday night - turns out it was just my weird hippie neighbor, who's apartment I had deliriously stumbled into instead of my own. He's all tolerant and shit, and agreed not to press charges if I made a Wendy's run for him, which I grudgingly did. Against all odds... I went to work today. I stumbled about the office, feverish and sweating, where I came into contact with literally hundreds of host bodies - I give approximately 36 days before the sickness that has wracked my body has infected the globe, sending waves of people dying in achy, sneezy masses. So, you know, sorry bout that too. And hey - as long as we're being open? That scratch on your car door? Not sorry about that. Next time leave me a fucking can opener so I can get my car out, you line-ignoring prick! I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. It's the SuperFlu talking. Are we cool, baby? Cool. We're gonna be dead in 36 days, I'd hate to be fighting until then. On a more serious note, recently we have seen what? A plague of locusts, hurricanes, a giant fucking tsunami, rampant mudslides, unseasonably warm/cold weather across the globe, and now... a massive pileup on the interstate near my hometown that my father had the misfortune to find himself in the middle of on the way home from work today. A note to my Mom, if she's reading this: first, Mom, sorry for talking about how a penis comes in spurts. Secondly, if Dad should ever have the misfortune to find himself in the middle of a massive pileup on the interstate near my hometown on the way home from work... for the love of all that is holy... PREFACE THIS INFORMATION WITH "Dan, your Dad is ok but..." when you call me at work to tell me this through frantic sobbing. Seriously, you almost gave me a fuckin heart attack. So, that's my day. Or my year, as it were. Gotta go, there's people in hazmat suits outside my door - have to dress E.T. up like a girl and make a break for it. More updates to come. I promise.



1 Comments:

  • At 7:38 PM, Blogger Micaiah said…

    Good to have you back Dank. Missed your lemar lovin ass.

    Nice One.

     

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