dankpelt said what

Reading this means you're at least smart enough to go down to Kentucky, show them fire, and be their god.


Is That a Cake? -OR- Strictly For the Ladies

Mysteries of the Deep

I don't get what it is. I work in a multi-level building that is primarily occupied by business professionals. What is it that's so hard about flushing the toilet after you take a shit? I don't think it's any harder than, say, tying your shoes, or sneezing... but that doesn't change the fact that nobody on my floor of the building I work in does it. I go in there today - don't worry, I had to do a number one, not a number two - and someone just ahead of me takes the preferred urinal by the wall. In the men's room on my floor, there are three urinals in a neat line on the wall - two next to each other that are both the same, normal human penis height, then one on the end that's either for children, handicapped people, or people with cocks the size of my thigh. It's real low on the wall, in other words. I detest this urinal with every ounce of my being... on the rare occasions that I have attempted to use these lower units (this is a widespread men's room phenomenon not limited to my office building), the laws of physics and bad luck have determined that the greater distance my pee travels before it hits porcelain, the more splashback is bound to end up on my pants. Bad news. Anyway, my point here is that I never use the small pisser on the end. Though I do giggle internally when I see the short guys on the floor specifically choose that one when all three are open. You know who you all are. Urinal etiquette dictates that it is inappropriate to take the urinal immediately next to another gent in the restroom, and since there's only 3 total in there, this usually means that the tiny one is the available one, hence causing me to use a stall to do the deed with relative peace and harmony in the restroom. Taking care to avoid the dried boogers on the stall door, I throw it open... only to reveal a horrid scene that could best be described as looking like someone had plunked a 3-tier chocolate birthday cake in the water, and placed just enough toilet paper on the top to mask it, but just little enough so that the large brown mass was quite clearly visible. In addition to taking a dry-docked shit and using enough toilet paper to clog a sewer grate, the person to last use the stall had also thought it a good idea to piss all over the toilet seat, as evidenced by the yellowish-brownish dried crust on three quarters of its U-shaped surface. I think I may have seen goat blood on the floor as well, but I can't be too sure. The gag reflex and subsequent blurting of the words "fuck me," coupled with quickly moving to the next stall in line made the gruesome images all but a blur in my mind's eye. Luckily, the next stall was "clean." By "clean," I just mean that the water had nothing in it that looked like a discarded pan of brownies. So far, so good, right? Wrong. Turns out that I had taken the stall right next to another guy that did not understand yet another public restroom shitting protocol... the cardinal rule is... wait until the intruders leave before you drop ass. This guy didn't subscribe to this policy, and an awful grunt punctuated by what sounded like wet cottage cheese being poured into the bowl next to me sharply interrupted my sigh of relief. Good fucking god, I swear I can't win. I think I need to make a Restroom Rules Handbook®, and distribute it freely. Perhaps I could wear a white shirt, a tie, and a name badge proudly identifying me as Elder Dank. I'd ride a bicycle, and people would hate me. In other words, like a Mormon, except instead of hawking a crazy sequel to the bible, I'd be spreading the good word of restroom no-nos across the land. Perhaps we can ponder such things at a greater length later - I have to go for now, I think I'm going to wash my hands. Again.


  • At 3:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I've always loved the puffed rice cereal smell in there... (read, coffee piss).
    Also, you have to hand it to those who cant get their asses situated right and leave a "shit- print" on the back of the seat. those seats are fucking huge... whats up with that?
    But the best has to be when you're in an empty bathroom taking a dump and someone comes in and sits IN THE NEXT STALL and starts farting and grunting.
    come on... theres plenty of room... spread out!
    there's no place like home when it comes to taking a shit.

  • At 4:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


  • At 7:32 PM, Blogger Micaiah said…

    You may find this of interest, http://workpoop.com/

  • At 10:01 PM, Blogger dank said…


    Way ahead of ya, Hez!

  • At 5:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    whoo! access for Anon posting. But I will be nice and tag myself one day.

    Anyways, I got pretty pissed one day at coming upon an explosion of someone's ass in the can. So I wrote a note and pasted it to the door. Thus when you sit you can read it at your leisure.

    "Should you choose to push
    Then flush twice to please
    Cause those of us who wish to push
    Would be pleased with a clean place to push."

    Where I work we don't have proper service for sewage yet.. one of those septic field jobs (ewww)

    Been a couple of days.. no surprises so far! I think it might have worked...

    Siknana (IVD)

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