dankpelt said what

Reading this means you're at least smart enough to go down to Kentucky, show them fire, and be their god.


nowaystupid.com -OR- Happy V.D.

Ahhh, is there anything quite like Valentine's Day to remind a person of just how single they really are? I think not. Well, weddings come close - particularly if it's a sibling that's getting married. Fortunately, my brother-in-law bought the cow back in 1996-ish, when I was more concerned about how I was going to get drunk at the reception than how many people asked me when I was gonna get married. FYI - tuxedos make you look like James Bond, and bartenders at weddings don't give a shit who they serve to. Moreso if that person wantin' the hooch looks like James Bond. Additionally, relatives that don't know you all that well shy away from asking when you're going to take the marital plunge if you look like an inebriated and forlorn James Bond. Having your balls hanging out of your zipper is also a plus. Forlorn. I like that word. Moving on...

Being single really isn't that bad. I enjoy the freedom, not sure how willing I'd be to give it up. The freedom, not the booty. Haha, little single person joke there. In all honesty though - it's not that kind of freedom I'm talking about. It's all the other stuff you don't have to worry about when you're single - you know, like that whole other person that you feel is your duty to protect and serve, rain sleet or snow... you know. All that stuff. It gets complicated to love someone, to look out for them, to be there for them... it's quite an investment. Think about it - a whole other person. Crazy. Especially if that whole other person smells like the bus station and writes the word "leave" over and over on your walls using a mixture of cat food and mustard. It is Valentine's Day though, and some form of acknowledgment was in order. Or so I thought. So there it was. I'm single! Take a number, ladies. Maybe I'll build you a cake or something.

Put that Carmex away - under closer scrutiny, the upper heart actually says "Hot Lips," not "Rot Lips."

In somewhat related news, my friend Dizzo (Don if you're nasty) needled me into joining one of those free singles/dating/matchmaking services on the web. I was hesitant at first, but after I checked it out, I will say that I was impressed at how accurately it could measure my personality based on the questions and shit I answered. So that was how I justified it to myself - the personality testing, and the comparison to other males and females in my age group. Good, wholesome fun, right? For the official record... compared to other males my age, I'm more literary and less selfish. Could be worse, I guess. So, joining this was never about "hooking up," as it were... I have a firm belief that "hooking up" on the internet is both "creepy" and "weird." So there I am the other day, cruising through the site, answering questions and such to kill some time. Lo and behold, a window pops up letting me know that SOMEbody has sent me an instant message via the IM thing they have built into the website. I hesitantly click on it - it's a stranger. A strange girl, no less! As I'm sure the natural reaction would be for anybody in my shoes, I check out her profile on the site. To paraphrase in a relevant and funny-to-me way, Jesus Christ. I freaked out and decided to turn to Dizzo for advice. Here is what transpired:

DankPelt (11:27:07 AM): Uh-oh, got some stranger IMing me on the 'cupid
DankPelt (11:27:47 AM): Fuck
DankPelt (11:27:52 AM): I'm not responding.
DankPelt (11:27:59 AM): I just looked at her profile...
DankPelt (11:28:04 AM): Check this sample:
DankPelt (11:28:06 AM): My favorite books, movies, music, and foods are:

A)Bible B)Sound Of Music C)Contemporary Chirstian D)Pasta

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes, she did spell "Christian" wrong. Fer Shizzle.)

DankPelt (11:28:22 AM): The SIX things I could never do without:

My friends/family, Bible, Church, my Salvation, food and water.

It was at this point that a dim light flickered in my head - I have this Christian girl inexplicably attempting to communicate with me. What would Jesus do? Probably not fuck with her... but that's what DankPelt would do. And he did.

FerShizzle_3: hi, how are you?

DankPelt: I am fairly tired and bored. You?

FerShizzle_3: im great

DankPelt: That's devilishly good. Keep me posted!

FerShizzle_3: alright

It seemed like my fun was dead in the water. The conversation was over, right? Wrong. It's only over to a heathen. The oddness continued:

FerShizzle_3: so what do you like to do for fun?

DankPelt: Whatever comes up... sometimes Greed, sometimes Envy, sometimes Gluttony... you know, whatever the crowd is doing!

FerShizzle_3: yeah, i dont like to follow the crowed, i like to be differant

FerShizzle_3: differant in a good way that is

FerShizzle_3: so what do you do for a living?

DankPelt: One of my friends got Crowed one time... it was crazy. Beaks and feathers EVERYwhere!

FerShizzle_3: i bet that was funnt

FerShizzle_3: some times i dont take the time to correct my spelling

FerShizzle_3: as you can plainly see

DankPelt: A lot of people from the internet age don't, sadly.

DankPelt: Someone once told me that bad spelling and grammar makes baby Jesus cry. I don't know where they were going with that.

FerShizzle_3: yeah i have no clue

FerShizzle_3: so what kind of music do you like?

DankPelt: Eh, have you looked at my profile?

FerShizzle_3: no, i tried, the computeris being dumb and wont let me

FerShizzle_3: well the internet is, it keeps saying that the page cannot be displayed

DankPelt: In addition to being laden with profanity and general evil-ness, I have some of the music I like listed in there. It should also say something about how we're like as compatible as oil and water - something like "Match: 33% Friend: 27%." I'm just saying this because I'm curious what made you want to talk to me, based on how horrible that must look to you.

FerShizzle_3: k

At this point, I thought it was over. I gave a hint as subtle as a cinder block to the side of the head about how we may have slightly different interests/beliefs/concepts of the importance of spelling/whatever. Nothing happened for about 10 minutes. Phew. Then, this grand finale popped up on the screen:

FerShizzle_3: well i have to go for now, hope to talk to you again soon

DankPelt: Fer shizzle

DankPelt: My Chrizzle

Mind you, I wasn't out to make this person feel bad or anything, I just wanted to see where the conversation would go if I did a little bit of strategic jabbing. Oddly, FerShizzle_3 was not deterred in the least. Hm. I think Dizzo summed it up best when I pasted the results to him over the AIM...

dizzoknows (12:07:07 PM): Wow.
dizzoknows (12:10:30 PM): I expected her to flee sooner.
dizzoknows (12:10:32 PM): Right off the bat, in fact.
DankPelt (12:11:15 PM): And the weirdest part is she "hopes to talk again soon."
dizzoknows (12:12:31 PM): Exactly.
dizzoknows (12:12:38 PM): Though, that could be some "Be nice to everyone and God will like you" shit.
DankPelt (12:13:36 PM): Yeah, or she's got a head full of rocks.
DankPelt (12:13:40 PM): Or both.
DankPelt (12:15:36 PM): Either way, it's creepy.
dizzoknows (12:21:25 PM): "You've been belittling me for that last ten minutes. I hope to talk with you again!"

She has since then attempted to talk to me a total of 4 times, via the website's email feature. I have decided to let sleeping dogs lie and just kinda not respond. May God have mercy on my soul. And my balls. Happy Valentine's Day!


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