dankpelt said what

Reading this means you're at least smart enough to go down to Kentucky, show them fire, and be their god.


Where In the World is DankPelt -OR- I Wasn't Shaving Regularly At All

Modernized Norman Rockwell. This IS America.

I'm still unsure if it's just that I'm lazy, or if there's some deeper psychology at work here. At any rate, literally tens of people have noticed my (apparently?) conspicuous absence of late, and have either commented on the page, threatened me bodily harm, or reminded me of the one crazy hot girl that thinks I'm "really funny" because of this blog. So here I am. Again on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known. I guess the best place to start is with the simple answer to the age-old question of "What the fuck?" Where have I been all month? Well, it's a funny story, really... ok, maybe it's not funny so much as it is "mediocre," but whatever. Here goes: I lost my job. I found out it was happening a couple weeks prior to my last day, so I knew it was coming... and I guess that's a plus? I dunno. At any rate, my position was eliminated and I was laid off. After 3 years at the job, my final day in my quaint little cubicle was March 11th, 2005. My employer had worked out a fairly favorable severance agreement with me, and I felt like everything was gonna be ok. This was my attitude when I first heard about the impending layoff, mind you. As the days crept by and my last day of work got closer and closer, a bit of malaise set in. On my last day, I packed up my humble possessions and cubicle decorations into a cardboard box and left the office at the end of my shift with little fanfare. I recall glancing over to the small box on my passenger seat while driving home and thinking how funny it was that three years of my life at a job could be so neatly packed up into such a small box. After that was over, what did I do? Well, I have to admit... I did nothing. Nothing at all. Much like the hero of Office Space, Peter's fantasy of what he would do with a million dollars. Nada. My severance agreement allowed me to continue to get paid my regular wage over the course of the next month, and I was wholly eligible for unemployment after that ran out... soooooo... I did what I haven't done since I was 16 and started this vicious cycle of "working for a living" with a lame-ass job bagging groceries. Nothing. I did nothing, I had no job, I looked for no job, I didn't think about a job unless I was making my famous "man, I am gonna be tired at work tomorrow" joke to myself at 5 in the morning. For the record, I do laugh at my own jokes. You probably already knew that; I hope it doesn't mean I'm a jackass. Anyway - other than not working and still getting paid for it, I made a point of it to do things my freedom from the Dolly Parton-esque 9-5 work schedule would now allow me to do - namely staying up as late as I wanted, sleeping in as late as I wanted, drinking during the middle of the day, having coffee every morning (or afternoon, depending on whether or not you too consider it "morning" when you first wake up, regardless of the fact that the mail may have already been delivered) where was I? Oh, having coffee every morning while checking email that didn't crush my will to live while in my boxers was nice. A quick note about the coffee at the job I had just lost - it kinda tasted like dishwater. You know, ever drop a knife or something in a sink full of dishes, and have that one little splash of water somehow get in your mouth? Or on your lips? Or have you ever drank a glass of water that was wrung from a hobo's mismatched socks after he clumsily stepped into a dirty child's wading pool that had been made hot from the sun and maybe had like a dead June bug in it or something and like right as his drunk feet hit that warm water, he peed a little, and that mingled with the dirty buggy kid-water that's now making a sick descent down your tightening throat as the captor presses his gun a bit harder on your temple? God, who hasn't, right? Right. That's what it tasted like, it was horrendous. But free. I think it was made by a company named York. If you ever see York coffee anywhere, do your best to avoid it. It's a mug full of heartbreak and disappointment, trust me. I drank fine-ass fresh-ground Jamaican Blue Mountain bean coffee (thanks mom!) every day, and I relished every sip. I often wished I knew how to play a few mellow bars on an acoustic guitar while I placidly talked about the mountain-grown richness of my wonderful, wonderful coffee. But I didn't - I mostly just sat there in my underwear drinking it and looking for news articles about accidentally photographing dead people or pieces of fingers in Wendy's chili. As the layoff began, I was like a kid that just got out on summer vacation, thrilled at the prospect of not having to go to bed at any certain time. My schedule metamorphosed with such amazing speed, I barely even noticed the change until it was too late. Gone were the nights of laying restless in bed, glaring at the alarm clock and doing the age-old "Ok, if I fall asleep RIGHT NOW, I can get... 4 fucking hours of sleep? Fuck!" math problem in my head. Here were the days of not giving a shit, having fun until I was tired, and falling into a pleasant and deep sleep without setting an alarm. I made a point of it to look at my alarm clock some mornings when I was going to bed and smugly say to the clock "I don't have to set youuuuuuu" (yeah, I talked to my clock. Make a note of that.) before I rolled over and fell asleep with a contented smile. It was like a little slice of heaven. The days flew by, and I started to feel some discomfort settling in as I began to realize that the full-pay days off were going to quickly come to a close and I would have to go through the hassle of filing for unemployment and calling MARVIN on a weekly basis to get my check from the state. This thought kinda started to fill me with dread, and feelings of responsibility began to rear their ugly head once again. It was on a morning when these feelings were particularly strong that the next leg of the "I got laid off from my job" story-in-my-life, post-for-my-blog thing happened. It was a typical unemployed morning morning for me: boxers, reading, Jamaican Blue Mountain, new feelings of worsening dread, just the usual, right? Then, the wheels lurched into motion. The harbinger was the ringing of my telephone. This phone call brings us to the present. All the text preceding this call is a rough summary of where I've been since I fell off the face of the internet... I wish it were more interesting, but it was nothing if not relaxing, therapeutic, and most of all - needed.

Obligatory, I feel

The person on the other end of the line when I answered the call in question was a manager from my previous place of employment. In the course of the call, I was offered a job back in the land of cubicles. A different, more interesting, potentially more mentally redeeming job than what I had before. The next day, I called back to let him know that I would gladly accept the position. The day after that, the early morning air in my bedroom was pierced with the wailing of my triumphant alarm clock, and I made my way to my new job at the same place today's story began. It was really quite humorous the first few days, seeing people that clearly knew I had been laid off, but were not hip to the fact that I had been rehired. I so badly wanted to do the old "reaching for my pistol in the shoulder holster under my jacket" joke, but thought better of it. Once I explained to people that I was actually back to work there, the news traveled handily enough so people knew before they saw me for the first time that day, and that kinda took some of the fun out of it. I enjoyed getting those alarmed/befuddled looks for a minute. Everybody seemed genuinely happy to see me back, and forgive me for sounding corny or whatever... but damn, that kinda made me feel good. One thing I feel I should point out is that if I had my druthers, I would have walked into the office my first day back, the rabble of a busy office halting immediately - preferably punctuated with that scratching record sound from movie previews when someone says something "wacky" or "funny" - people would have stopped dead in their tracks and just stared at me, mouths agape. Then, after a few awkward moments, that one guy would have started the slow clap. This would of course spread as people realized that everything was gonna be ok, and they started clapping too. Then I'd pick up my special lady in my arms and walk out of the factory amidst the cheers of all the onlookers. Anyway, you take what you can get. I got a warm reception, and that's enough to make me happy. Just keep the slow clap to fast clap thing in mind in case I ever leave and come back again, k? I'm happy to report that I love what I do at my job now - it primarily involves written correspondence with my company's customers, and I, uh, like writing. I like the people I get to work with Monday through Friday once again. I also kinda like having a job. It really looks like everything just completely worked out in my favor in this little chapter of my life - I could get used to this shit. Thus concludes my story, that's where I've been the last month... and where I am now. By the way - I drank York coffee today. It still sucks complete sweaty ass, but in an oddly comforting way.


  • At 11:14 AM, Blogger J said…

    Glad to have you back :)

  • At 6:31 PM, Blogger Mona said…

    Did you miss the midget urinal? It missed you.

    (I heard this thru the grapevine)

  • At 6:32 PM, Blogger Mona said…

    Oh and we did too :)

  • At 1:41 PM, Blogger lefty said…

    and I, uh, like writing

    no shit you like writing....did you NOTICE the length of that post?

  • At 5:35 AM, Blogger Aphex said…

    Great post. I love the sock part.

  • At 12:50 AM, Anonymous Razs said…

    Dude, you jerked off for a month and didn't update once?! Dank, this may be news to you, but you suck!

    Now update tomorrow. Or else.

  • At 8:12 PM, Blogger Micaiah said…

    Great to have you back man!

    Also happy to hear you are once again semi-gainfully employed.

    I will refrain from the practically obligatory disrespectful comment about your employer.

  • At 4:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    just glad your not here in your boxers. your winky could fall out. its been known to happen.
    plus...its just nice to hace someone here that is as insane as i. or just someone to point and laugh at...ha ha!! (points and stares and laughs like Nelson from the Simpsons)

  • At 11:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    wait a second, u were gone for a month? when did that happen, where was i? Are you sure that you didnt work here for a month? I thought they just moved your cubicle downstairs to the lower level back against the wall. U know, to take care of the cockroach problem.

    btw, I'll need to get that stapler back from you. You know, the red swingline, and hopefully you kept the staples for the stapler.


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